CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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I have so many questions.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Seems a bit forward
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
She: I like Cats
He:
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!