How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
You Might Also Like
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: