It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!