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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.