Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it