*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
this is literally a CIA plant
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on