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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Real House Wines.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Sniffing the broccoli
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.