me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?