one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
August 8
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
my dog when i have a friend over