me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?