shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Thoughts
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.