Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Seek kebab; not attention
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.