If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You Might Also Like
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Well well well…
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
lol
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap