[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.