You Might Also Like
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*