A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Tammy is short for Tamuel
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.