You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!