Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I don’t make the rules sorry
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”