That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.