I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we