Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
me: my friends:
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
mariah carrie
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy