whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
me adding lol on a serious message
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami