Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.