Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
When your teen is already bigger than you are…