Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Practicing safe sax
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.