Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff