2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
こいつ天才
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House