Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.