It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?