If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”