If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.