shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Bros before Ohioes
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.