Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.