My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.