What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
i- i did not expect this
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Damn he played himself
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*