Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.