One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
When you kidnap a writer.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise