Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.