been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
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I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?