“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Just a reminder, folks:
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.