the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Bro what is this
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
New favorite tiktok
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien