[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
classic mixup
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!