My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
This was the best day of my life
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating