[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.