Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
CRYING
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.