TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
True
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes