The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
describing stardew valley
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.