bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.