Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.