—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“How’s your day going?”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*